"Now is a good time to practice..."
It seems silly to think that one simple phrase could be the key to unlocking a little bit of harmony in your family. But it can!
Our ADHD children are typically developmentally 2 years behind their same-aged peers, when it comes to behavior.
ADHD is neurobiological in origin. And it is highly correlated to the nervous system. So if your child is feeling dysregulated, you better believe that's going to manifest in less than desirable ways...probably right in the middle of Target or when you're rushing to get out the door for school and work, or in front of your grandmother or boss!
Too often, we admonish our sweet little monsters for missing skills we expect them to have already mastered. But the truth is, they're working really hard, and these skills are still developing for them.
So instead of "Stop touching that," or "No!" or "Why would you hit your sister?" or "I really need you to listen," lead with a phrase that instead communicates, "I know you're still working on this. I'm here to help."
DEEEEEEP breath, regulate yourself, then...
"Now is a good time to practice _____," and fill in the blank by naming the behavior you'd like to see.
For example, you've asked your 9 year-old son to get dressed for school 16 bazillion times. You've even hand-delivered his school clothes to the bathroom, to minimize distractions. You walk away to pack lunches and shove water bottles in backpacks. You scarf down your other kid's half-eaten leftover toast. You muster up all the patience in your body, and will yourself back to the bathroom to check on your ADHDer, only to find him still in his pajamas, splashing water in the sink...you know, for fun!
DEEEEEP breath, self-regulate...
"Now is a good time to practice our time management skills. Let's turn off the water and get dressed, so we're not late for school."
This may or may not be a story from personal experience.
But I can promise you, after a few days of, "Now is a good time to practice..." (insert - "having patience," "controlling our impulses," "managing our frustration," "listening the first time," etc), he started...ahem, they will start, to self-regulate on their own.
If you're consistent, you will see a change.
It is a relief for our children to hear us use this language. It communicates that we understand their little brains are still practicing these developing skills. AND they get to hear us name the skill we're looking for instead, without any admonishment or judgement. This is a much better message for a child's self-esteem than all of the others, which to them, loosely translate to, "I can't seem to do anything right."
Our parental voices are the ones they will internalize, and carry with them into adulthood.
So Moms and Dads, now is a good time to practice...and practice makes perfect!
Casey Saxon, Orton-Gillingham Associate-level trained, Member COPAA, Non-Attorney Advocate
Founder - The Studio. for Advocacy and Reading
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